Monthly Archives: October 2019

Have You Truly Forgiven Someone?

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I thought I had forgiven you.  I told everyone I had forgiven you, but I would never forget what you did.

But I still had so much anger in myself.  If I was holding that much anger, had I truly forgiven you?

This is what my forgiveness looked like:  Yeah, I forgive you, you sorry, stupid, bastard.  I forgive you for committing suicide, leaving me alone to suffer the consequences and agony of the choice you made, by yourself, for our future.  Goodbye and good riddance.  I no longer have to deal with your chronic pain, severe depression, alcoholism and narcissistic behavior.  I forgive you and thank you for giving me freedom from your insanity, you idiot.

Hmmmm……  Does that sound like forgiveness to you?  I thought not.  Sounds more like pure anger, judgement and condemnation.

When I ask God to forgive me, does He say “Yeah, I forgive you – you lousy bastard.”

What I just wrote sounds like blasphemy.

Then this Bible verse found me:

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged.  Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned.  Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”  Luke 6:37

Only by reading God’s Word am I truly able to forgive you.

This is what my forgiveness looks like now:  So my dearest, departed husband, I forgive you.

 

(Just a note to my U.S. readers – I am finding healing in giving back.  My side job – my Avon business – is helping me do that.  My daughter, and youth minister son-in-law, have a personal ministry of reaching out to college students in their home on Monday nights.  They break bread, play games and speak the gospel.  I am tithing my online order proceeds to their ministry.  Every little bit helps.  Would you please check out my website?  If this is your first time ordering Avon online, use code WELCOME10 for 10% off any size order.  Your products will be delivered directly to your door.  Some of the college students are foreign exchange students.  From a hand built table in southern Mississippi, the gospel is managing to be spread around the world.  Would you shop from my online store and have a part in spreading God’s word?)

YourAvon.com/ghegwood

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I Regret

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I never thought the anger would move over enough to let normal grief in – not the grief of a widow whose husband chose suicide by way of leaving her instead of fixing the problems – but the grief of a widow who lost her husband through natural causes.

Five months later and I feel like it is the first week after your death.  I am driving in the car, and out of 37 years of habit, when I stop at a red light, I reach for your hand, but I look down and my hand is empty.  The anger has subsided enough to let me remember the good times; however, this brings on such heavy sorrow, pain and regret.

I have had five months of processing all of your faults.  Now I must address mine.

I have regrets.  I am not finished trying to fix us.  Time goes on, but not for our matrimonial union.  I am so sorry I did not realize the concept of Love and Respect sooner in our marriage.  The husband craves respect from his mate in order to feel loved, and the wife needs to feel love in order to feel respected.  I was raised to be such a strong-willed woman I don’t think I ever truly let you feel like the leader of the family.  I am so sorry for that.  You were such a strong willed man and that collided with my need for being an individual.  This struggle interfered with the concept of two becoming one.  And time has run out to rectify the situation.

I am so sorry for whatever pain I ever caused you.

I must accept my regrets and live with what is.

I asked God for forgiveness and this gives me comfort.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 New International Version (NIV)  4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 

(Just a note to my U.S. readers – I am finding healing in giving back.  My side job – my Avon business – is helping me do that.  My daughter, and youth minister son-in-law, have a personal ministry of reaching out to college students in their home on Monday nights.  They break bread, play games and speak the gospel.  I am tithing my online order proceeds to their ministry.  Every little bit helps.  Would you please check out my website?  If this is your first time ordering Avon online, use code WELCOME10 for 10% off any size order.  Your products will be delivered directly to your door.  Some of the college students are foreign exchange students.  From a hand built table in southern Mississippi, the gospel is managing to be spread around the world.  Would you shop from my online store and have a part in spreading God’s word?)

YourAvon.com/ghegwood

 

Thank God for Renewed Mercies!

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The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  Lamentation 3:22-23

I was in a bit of a snit last night and having a pity party.  I felt I was back to square one in my grief process.  What a setback I was having, and I was feeling lonely.

Yesterday, our granddaughter turned 5.  She is the life of the party, like her grandfather was.  Little Miss Sassy is so full of happiness, love and personality.  I couldn’t help but think what her Paw Paw was missing, by his own hand He would have made a huge deal out of her newly pierced ears.  And I could picture him, and our baby, sitting on his lap as she told the story of how she scored two goals in her soccer game.  Our Little Miss Sassy would have had his undivided attention.  This man was born to be a Paw Paw.

Yesterday was also our son’s birthday.  I had the bright idea to cook a supper for my son and bake a cake.  The kitchen was my husband’s area of expertise.  I am a burning, over-cooking, setting the food on fire hot mess of a momma.  I was my usual disaster self.  I really, really need to stay away from the kitchen.

I was so unnerved by these thoughts I pretended he was in the passenger seat of our vehicle on the drive home and I cursed him out royally.  I vented lots of frustration.  I calmed down enough to listen to the radio, only to have Brooks & Dunn’s Neon Moon shatter the thin glass my mind was walking on.  I fell hopelessly into a state of loneliness and depression.

I went to sleep with a heavy heart and had sad, sad dreams.

BUT THEN, I opened my eyes to a new morning.  Instead of lamenting my sorrows, I lamented on Lamentation 3:22-23.  God brings me new mercies every morning.  I was calm.  I decided to take a walk outside on my property.  Bin, the dog, trailed along, and Katuree the Krazy Cat insisted I carry her.  My husband’s presence is everywhere outside.  That was his domain.  He has four neat stacks of future projects waiting to be done at Spooky Hollow Southern MS, our faux homestead.  Faux, in meaning that if the apocalypse came, we would be the first to die.

He has a stack of boards that can be used for various projects, a stack of tin to re-do our tool shed, covered by a stack of thick wooden fence posts.  He has a stack of fencing and metal fencing posts.  And, finally, he has a stack of various sizes of miscellaneous brick, stone slabs and little boulders.  I didn’t look at this stack with sadness.  Because of my new mercies for today, I looked at this stack with a hope of some great projects.  How will the projects get done?  I do not know.  I have not a crafty bone in my accountant body.

But that thought is for another day – another day that has renewed mercies.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6–7)

I walked back into the house, made my son a cup of bitter coffee, and conjured up plans to salvage the pork loin, and to once again try to bake that cake.

As for me, I am not eating anything I cook.  I have plans with some high school friends to meet at a café for a late lunch.

Thank you God for renewed mercies every morning!

 

(Just a note to my U.S. readers – I am finding healing in giving back.  My side job – my Avon business – is helping me do that.  My daughter, and youth minister son-in-law, have a personal ministry of reaching out to college students in their home on Monday nights.  They break bread, play games and speak the gospel.  I am tithing my online order proceeds to their ministry.  Every little bit helps.  Would you please check out my website?  If this is your first time ordering Avon online, use code WELCOME10 for 10% off any size order.  Your products will be delivered directly to your door.  Some of the college students are foreign exchange students.  From a hand built table in southern Mississippi, the gospel is managing to be spread around the world.  Would you shop from my online store and have a part in spreading God’s word?)

YourAvon.com/ghegwood

Crushed in Spirit

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“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

That’s me alright – yes indeed – that is me – the brokenhearted and crushed in spirit.  How righteous I felt when I heard this verse. The Lord is close to me because I am all so self-important.  My husband’s mental illness sure made me brokenhearted and I sure was crushed in spirit.  I felt so vindicated and so superior.

Then, a small voice spoke to me.  “How crushed in spirit do you think your husband was to put a …… – to commit sui….. – to take his own life?”  (I still have trouble thinking it, much less saying it loud…)  I felt small and petty.  My insides were churning.  He lost all hope and spiraled down into total despair and darkness on the afternoon of May 29, 2019.

I have spent the last few months trying so hard to process my own emotions, no way could I take on my husband’s emotions.  But there it was, a voice creeping into my thoughts to try to see this from his perspective.  He was brokenhearted.  He was crushed in spirit.  He was broken – PERIOD!  I will never fully understand because he is no longer here to explain.

He was always the life of the party, but something dark continuously lurked under his vibrant personality.  What happened to his psyche during his lifetime to cause him to harbor this demon?  Why would his emotions shift at some imagined offense only he saw?  Out of all the good times we had, I suffered anxiety because I never knew when that inner crazed person would make an appearance.  Deep down, he was a good, caring man.  He suffered with alcoholism and this angry demon living within himself, and it got the best of him.  He would cry out sometimes, “I am so sorry!  I don’t mean to act crazy!  I don’t like myself.”  This would leave me wondering, ‘well – why do you act like this?  Fix yourself already!’  I will not know the answer this side of heaven.

He knew he had problems, but he would not seek help.  When he was not feeling contrite about his actions, he was feeling too self-important and thinking someone always wronged him in one way or the other.  Nothing was ever his fault.   Once he decided someone wronged him, he bore anger on that person until his last breath.

I had a moment of clarity in my moment off all too self-importance.  This man was suffering greatly.  I never want to be in that dark of a place.  I believe if he had not been so stubborn, and sought help, he could have lived a fairly normal life and perhaps died a happy old man.  Instead, the anger he died with shed and attached to me at the exact moment he took his last breath.  All I can say is thank you God for allowing me to recognize this flaw and I turn to you for relief.

Saying, “I called out to the Lord, out of my distress, and he answered me; out of the belly of Sheol I cried, and you heard my voice.”  Jonah 2:2

Many have tried to persuade my husband to seek help.  Was it stubbornness?  Pride?  Righteousness?  Whatever it was – he was wrong – WRONG!  Not only was he flawed, but the system is flawed.  I once tried having him committed after one of his bouts of threatening suicide.  The system said he was fine and released him after a few short hours.

He failed himself by refusing therapy.  The system failed him by not realizing he was incapable of making a wise choice.  Many complain they cannot get help because they don’t have insurance.  We had insurance – insurance that could have paid for his care, so that was not the reason he was turned out of a hospital.  I don’t have the answer.  I was tired of fighting the fight.

I don’t have the answers as to how to fix the system.  My brain is just capable of handling my immediate surroundings.  I have to pray for the people in charge of our system.  I have to pray God uses me to make a positive difference in someone’s life.  I have to pray.

“But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand.”  (Psalm 10:14a)

So often I wanted him to move out – but I had nowhere to put him.  I could not turn him out on his own, with no support system – no benefits.  This is the man who supported me when I went back to college – the man who made sure I got to stay home full time with my babies during crucial periods.  We all tried to handle this as a family.  He failed, we failed, the system failed.  At times it was easy to think God failed us.

In GriefShare, we were told our mourning is never an excuse for acting rude.  Well golly – aren’t I being hit with all kinds of zingers this week.  During a conversation recently, a person was adamant I should not feel angry as to what my husband did.  I guess my comment of “Screw You – Dude!” was not politically correct.

How appropriate I am having all these revelations this week – Mental Illness Awareness Week.   But I am not alone.  I walk with God.  I will continue my walk with God, delving deeply into His Word so that I do not lose myself to this world.  God never has, and never will, fail me.  He never abandons me.

“But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand.”  (Psalm 10:14a)

My husband was raised in a Godly household.  He was a believer.  I don’t understand why he couldn’t shake his anger, alcoholism, and hopelessness.  Oh God how I pray these inequities are not visited upon his children and grandchildren.

The last few months of his life were pure hell, for himself and for anyone who came in contact with him. He was spiraling terribly and there wasn’t anything any of us could do.  It was obvious he was a train wreck about to happen.  He had been sober for quite some time, but the anger within was raging a full time war – and winning.  The life of the party was disappearing into oblivion.  The chronic pain heaped upon his anger made for an ugly combination.  He isolated himself into his own ugly world.

But God was with my husband always.  I cannot imagine the pain he was in during his last moments on this earth, but I take comfort in the fact that I know in an instant he was in the presence of God – fully restored, pain free, out of the darkness and into the light.

I take comfort in knowing God is always with me, not just because I am brokenhearted and crushed in spirit.  I pray, God, that I always see the JOY you want me to experience, despite the trials and tribulations while I walk this earth.

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

These verses allow me to rest in the Lord.

 

(Just a note to my U.S. readers – I am finding healing in giving back.  My side job – my Avon business – is helping me do that.  My daughter, and youth minister son-in-law, have a personal ministry of reaching out to college students in their home on Monday nights.  They break bread, play games and speak the gospel.  I am tithing my online order proceeds to their ministry.  Every little bit helps.  Would you please check out my website?  If this is your first time ordering Avon online, use code WELCOME10 for 10% off any size order.  Your products will be delivered directly to your door.  Some of the college students are foreign exchange students.  From a hand built table in southern Mississippi, the gospel is managing to be spread around the world.  Would you shop from my online store and have a part in spreading God’s word?)

YourAvon.com/ghegwood

My Grief Letter

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My Dearest Friends and Loved Ones,

Recently I have suffered a devastating and traumatic loss.  My emotions are all over the place.  Sometimes I am so pained by my loss I don’t feel like I can take a step forward.  Sometimes I am happy not having to deal with my husband’s crippling pain and mental illness.  And always, I feel guilty for being happy that I don’t have to deal with my husband’s crippling pain and mental illness.  I ask for understanding.

I learned a new term in therapy – bereavement trauma.  This is what I am suffering from.  Just what I needed, another layer of grief.  Thank you, dear husband, for adding to the pain of grieving.  I not only have grief from the loss of my husband, I have post traumatic stress from the way he left this life.  I ask for emotional support.

Most of you know my husband of 37 years committed suicide.  Don’t ask me questions such as how did he do this, and did I find him.  I relive his suicide, on my own, much more than I care to admit.  I don’t want to re-live these moments because of someone’s curiosity.  If I want you to know, I will tell you.  I can tell you now, I don’t want you to know.  I understand people are naturally curious.  I am guilty of the same.  But now, due to experience, I know better.  I ask for privacy.

I am having nightmares, so if I act sluggish during the day, there is a good chance I did not have a good night sleep.  I will be struck unexpectedly with anxiety and might have to walk out of the room in the middle of the conversation.  I ask for patience.

I poured my heart and soul into honoring my vows during my husband’s sickness.  His suicide feels like the ultimate rejection – a slap in the face for all I sacrificed.  I ask for your love.

Sometimes I overreact during a situation for which my husband usually handled.  I become a drama queen over minor situations.  I ask you to hold my hand until I calm down.

I tend to lose my train of thought during a conversation.  I ask for a moment until I gather my thoughts.

My life is in transition, and I don’t quite know which direction I am going.  Unless I am about to literally walk off a cliff, I ask for your silence while I think out loud.

I am quite needy right now.  I don’t like being needy.  I don’t like having to rely on someone.  I am used to being strong and in control.  I ask for your compassion.

Finally, I thank all of you for kind words and actions.  I am overwhelmed by your outpouring.   I am truly surrounded by amazing friends and loved ones.  I have never felt more loved in my life. I pray, one day, I can repay, and pay forward, your kindness.

Love, Gretchen

 

(Just a note to my U.S. readers – I am finding healing in giving back.  My side job – my Avon business – is helping me do that.  My daughter, and youth minister son-in-law, have a personal ministry of reaching out to college students in their home on Monday nights.  They break bread, play games and speak the gospel.  I am tithing my online order proceeds to their ministry.  Every little bit helps.  Would you please check out my website?  If this is your first time ordering Avon online, use code WELCOME10 for 10% off any size order.  Your products will be delivered directly to your door.  Some of the college students are foreign exchange students.  From a hand built table in southern Mississippi, the gospel is managing to be spread around the world.  Would you shop from my online store and have a part in spreading God’s word?)

YourAvon.com/ghegwood