I never thought the anger would move over enough to let normal grief in – not the grief of a widow whose husband chose suicide by way of leaving her instead of fixing the problems – but the grief of a widow who lost her husband through natural causes.
Five months later and I feel like it is the first week after your death. I am driving in the car, and out of 37 years of habit, when I stop at a red light, I reach for your hand, but I look down and my hand is empty. The anger has subsided enough to let me remember the good times; however, this brings on such heavy sorrow, pain and regret.
I have had five months of processing all of your faults. Now I must address mine.
I have regrets. I am not finished trying to fix us. Time goes on, but not for our matrimonial union. I am so sorry I did not realize the concept of Love and Respect sooner in our marriage. The husband craves respect from his mate in order to feel loved, and the wife needs to feel love in order to feel respected. I was raised to be such a strong-willed woman I don’t think I ever truly let you feel like the leader of the family. I am so sorry for that. You were such a strong willed man and that collided with my need for being an individual. This struggle interfered with the concept of two becoming one. And time has run out to rectify the situation.
I am so sorry for whatever pain I ever caused you.
I must accept my regrets and live with what is.
I asked God for forgiveness and this gives me comfort.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 New International Version (NIV) 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
(Just a note to my U.S. readers – I am finding healing in giving back. My side job – my Avon business – is helping me do that. My daughter, and youth minister son-in-law, have a personal ministry of reaching out to college students in their home on Monday nights. They break bread, play games and speak the gospel. I am tithing my online order proceeds to their ministry. Every little bit helps. Would you please check out my website? If this is your first time ordering Avon online, use code WELCOME10 for 10% off any size order. Your products will be delivered directly to your door. Some of the college students are foreign exchange students. From a hand built table in southern Mississippi, the gospel is managing to be spread around the world. Would you shop from my online store and have a part in spreading God’s word?)