My Dearest Friends and Loved Ones,
Recently I have suffered a devastating and traumatic loss. My emotions are all over the place. Sometimes I am so pained by my loss I don’t feel like I can take a step forward. Sometimes I am happy not having to deal with my husband’s crippling pain and mental illness. And always, I feel guilty for being happy that I don’t have to deal with my husband’s crippling pain and mental illness. I ask for understanding.
I learned a new term in therapy – bereavement trauma. This is what I am suffering from. Just what I needed, another layer of grief. Thank you, dear husband, for adding to the pain of grieving. I not only have grief from the loss of my husband, I have post traumatic stress from the way he left this life. I ask for emotional support.
Most of you know my husband of 37 years committed suicide. Don’t ask me questions such as how did he do this, and did I find him. I relive his suicide, on my own, much more than I care to admit. I don’t want to re-live these moments because of someone’s curiosity. If I want you to know, I will tell you. I can tell you now, I don’t want you to know. I understand people are naturally curious. I am guilty of the same. But now, due to experience, I know better. I ask for privacy.
I am having nightmares, so if I act sluggish during the day, there is a good chance I did not have a good night sleep. I will be struck unexpectedly with anxiety and might have to walk out of the room in the middle of the conversation. I ask for patience.
I poured my heart and soul into honoring my vows during my husband’s sickness. His suicide feels like the ultimate rejection – a slap in the face for all I sacrificed. I ask for your love.
Sometimes I overreact during a situation for which my husband usually handled. I become a drama queen over minor situations. I ask you to hold my hand until I calm down.
I tend to lose my train of thought during a conversation. I ask for a moment until I gather my thoughts.
My life is in transition, and I don’t quite know which direction I am going. Unless I am about to literally walk off a cliff, I ask for your silence while I think out loud.
I am quite needy right now. I don’t like being needy. I don’t like having to rely on someone. I am used to being strong and in control. I ask for your compassion.
Finally, I thank all of you for kind words and actions. I am overwhelmed by your outpouring. I am truly surrounded by amazing friends and loved ones. I have never felt more loved in my life. I pray, one day, I can repay, and pay forward, your kindness.