Grief is not linear, there are no set stages to follow.
In the beginning, I refused to take blame for my husband’s suicide. The first thing the therapist says is to not take blame. Check! I had that mastered. I would hear other widows blaming themselves and would think get a grip person – you are not to blame.
1 year, 4 months, and 9 days later that changed. That changed drastically. The guilt was overbearing. What could I have done differently? Could I have pushed him harder to get mental help? He absolutely loved pies. Why didn’t I bake him more pies?
I spent that morning with tears running down my face texting with his sisters, admitting my guilt.
In my heart, I knew his suicide was not my fault. But I guess this was a stage I had to experience.
I spent the first year of grief in an angry state. Looks like my second year will be of a wife grieving the loss her husband, their 37 years of marriage and what the future might have held.
I look back on past blogs and cringe. Sometimes I cannot believe I put my feelings in writing for the public to see. I feel I made statements that disrespected my husband. He is not here to defend himself. And for that, I apologize to our children and his family.
This second year, I am remembering the good times and pushing the bad last years away. I am getting better at that. However, in my dreams, these last few months, the angry husband makes his appearance and gives me nightmares. Let me be clear, he was never physically hurtful. His pain made him an angry person and that anger was pointed to his caretaker – me. Unfortunately, the sitting on pins and needles of anticipating mood swings has manifested into my dreams. All I can do is pray for this to stop.
I am not writing this for sympathy, compassion, or for mounds of people telling me my husband’s suicide is not my fault. I do know that, but it is a stage I had to experience. Once again, I am being brutally honest in sharing my grief in the hope my words will help someone one day in their grief journey.
And I feel the overwhelming need to apologize to my deceased husband for all the hurtful actions and words I directed towards him throughout our 37 years of marriage. I share the blame for some of our problems. I am truly sorry.
I strongly felt the need to put this in writing for all to see.
For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.