There is no timetable or a rubber-stamped one size list fits all for grief.  Everyone’s journey is different, but one thing in common is a range of emotions.

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

Anger is a strong emotion.  It is common to feel abandoned by your loved one – like they really had a choice in dying.  But what if they did have a choice in dying – like my husband?  He chose to die. He chose to take his own life instead of facing future difficulties.  Anger is extreme in this situation.  My therapist says as long as I do not let the anger consume my life, I am handling this in a healthy manner.

Five years to the date.  Five years later and my first emotion that surfaces now is anger.  Not sadness.  Not loss.  Not love.  Anger.  But I am okay with that now.  I own it.  And I am determined to live my best life.  And oh I am having so much fun doing so.

 But May is a hard month for my family.  My husband’s mental health deteriorated rapidly until that pivotal evening of May 29, 2019.  Added to the stress of this May is I have been in the middle of the selling of my beloved piece of property and looking to start fresh in another city.  I grieved giving up my land, but the selling process has been so stressful that I cannot wait to get rid of it.  Good riddance.

I hate to see my children and grandchildren hurt.  That makes me angry.  The consequences of that night will ripple throughout our lives forever.  My daughter struggles with the loss of her beloved daddy.  We have come to recognize we are grieving what seems like two separate people.  She loves and misses her dad.  She wants to hug him.  I am angry and want to throat punch him.

My son is another matter.  His grief took him on a path last year that has separated us.  He currently lives on the opposite end of the United States, and he is working on himself.  I wish him all the best.  Maybe one day our relationship can be repaired.

Not all is gloomy though.  I love life, my family, my friends and my career.  I encourage all of you going through a similar situation to find your village.  Connect.  Re-Connect.  Strengthen bonds.  Have faith.  Seek counseling.  Be kind to others.

 I normally wake up on May 29 and simply want to crawl back under the covers.  But not this morning.  Yesterday I learned my act of sale is finally happening.  I was so excited I barely slept.  After tossing and turning, I finally got up and played on my phone.  It wasn’t until I read my FB memories that I realized today was May 29 – the 5-year anniversary.  Progress.  I have come so far.  Sometimes incidents bring me back to ground zero.  But each time it is getting easier to pick myself up. Big Progress.

I reached out to his siblings today.  They are hurting.  They lost a brother in a horrific manner.  I do not want my anger to be all-consuming.  I want to recognize there are others who hold love in their heart, and I want to honor that.  My in-laws are good people.  The best.  I want to validate their feelings and let them know I realize they feel pain.  I always want a bond with my in-laws.

I have been re-connecting with high school friends these past few years.  Greatest therapy ever.

And now that I am moving to a new city, I want to connect with my community.  Find a church.  Join a Bible Study, a book club – something – something to connect with new people and expand my village.

It’s time.