I am Not Okay

Throughout Thanksgiving, I refused to show sadness.  I wasn’t going to blog anything sad.  I wasn’t going to post anything sad.  I wasn’t going to utter anything sad.

Today, at work, the façade cracked and a co-worker noticed.  I had to fess up.

I am not okay.

Throughout my husband’s decline, I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I carried all financial responsibilities, along with watching his decline.

But I still had him as a sounding board.  If I heard a crazy noise coming from my vehicle, I could consult with him.  He would calmly talk me down, explaining what it could be.  It never was as bad as my mind imagined.  If work had to be done on my house, he was the ultimate handyman.  He always had a solution to whatever repair we faced.

I thought I had the weight of the world on my shoulders back then.  The weight has shifted.  And it got heavier.  Granted, without having to pay for his medical issues, I regained some financial freedom; however, I have the weight of every decision being mine and mine alone.  I no longer have a partner to bounce anything off of in order to make a sound decision.

I feel like everything is breaking – my house, my car, my mind…….

I am intimidated.  I am vulnerable.  I am alone.

I know, I know, I know.  I have been preaching God’s word and God’s goodness for weeks now.  I know all about Psalm 69:1 – “Save me, O God, for the floodwaters are up to my neck.”  I can recite many other verses, but right now my mind is not taking comfort in them.  I need to flounder in my self-pity a while longer.

I am experiencing deep anxiety.

I am not okay.

My friends and loved ones will be nervous to read this.  Don’t be.  Eventually, I will be okay.  Probably by next week I will bounce back seeking God’s word and strength.  I have always been resilient like that.

But for today, I am not okay.

Today, I want to peel my skin off and climb out of it.

Today, I do not want to be me.


(Just a note:  Since I am the Avon Lady, I tithe my online order earnings to my daughter and SILs personal ministry of ministering to college students.  Every Monday night, they open their home to the students, break bread and play games.  Recently, they had 24 people at one meal.  That is quite a lot on a youth minister’s salary.  But God always provides.  I like to give them help when I can.  Please check out my Avon website.  We are not your grandmother’s Avon anymore.  Your products will be delivered directly to your door.  If this is your first time ordering online, use code WELCOME10 for 10% off any order.  And, you get FREE SHIPPING on any $40+ order. )

And do not hide your face from your servant, for I am in distress.  Answer me quickly.  Psalm 69:17


2 thoughts on “I am Not Okay

  1. I know it’s not at all the same but when I divorced and I was on my own in my house with the kids, responsible for everything that seem to break down right away and the yardwork and every single thing that I felt was falling apart I completely felt alone and wondered how I was going to make it. I felt like a complete outcast and it seemed like all my friends just wanted couples as friends. People looked at me strange in church because I had done such a horrible thing. I was asked to step down some positions that I held because I was now a bad example of Christianity (FYI my ex is gay). What this eventually taught me was to be a much more compassionate person to others and to realize that people are not OK behind the smile that we are all so fragile at times in our lives One wise woman one day asked me how I was and I said I was OK but there were still tears in my eyes and she very bluntly said you’re not OK and the day you can talk about this without getting teary then I’ll know you’re on your way to recovery
    Well I know how much you are hurting I’m very glad you are truthful and can say that there a days that you’re not OK

    • Thank you for this insight. That had to be such a trying time for you, especially being asked to step down from some of the positions you held. As I was writing this last night, I kept thinking about my divorced sister. I never thought of her having to make all these decisions on her own, but she has, for the past 30 years, and she is doing well. You are so right, this has opened my eyes to others who may be feeling this way, whether through divorce or death.

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