I have already expressed regrets from our married life. I have a deeper regret from your last few hours here on earth. I have to unburdened my soul, confess and get this off of my chest.
This regret carries my deepest shame.
You left a note. I will never read your last thoughts. Your last days were filled with such venom. I don’t want to hear your poison snaking around in my head until I take my last breath. Our daughter talked me into letting our son-in-law keep the note, so that if you left a kind word for anyone, he can pass that on. I don’t even want to know if you left a kind word for me. Actions speak louder than words and your actions were deplorable.
I do not regret not reading your note.
I sat in the waiting room while you lay in a sterile hospital room dying. I imagine you were surrounded by machines, nurses and doctors – strangers. I would not go in the room to see you.
I do not regret not going into the room to see you.
The doctor entered the waiting room, telling me you were not long for this earth, did I want to tell you goodbye. Absolutely NOT! I was so angry at you for what you did. I didn’t want to see you in that state and I didn’t want to give you the comfort of having a loved one by your side. At that moment, I hated you.
I do not regret sitting with you while you took your last breath. I was most upset to not have been given the option of holding your hand while you died a peaceful death.
Family was far away in another state, so I was your only family member there – your wife of almost 37 years, who should have been by your side. Had our children been close by, wanting to go in to see you, I would have conceded. But hell would freeze over before I was by your side watching you take your last breath. My co-worker asked if I at least wanted our preacher in there with you. Absolutely NOT! You chose a vicious end to your life, you were leaving this world alone.
I do regret not letting the preacher be with you as you were leaving this earth.
Five months of reflection, I realize I should have let the preacher be by your side. That is my deepest, most shameful regret and I want to hide my face for the ugliness I displayed in your last moments. I am sorry. I apologize to our children and to your siblings for letting you die alone. I was your partner in life, and no matter what, should have sent you off with some dignity.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I was scorned and I was furious. I did not let God’s light penetrate those last awful hours.